Livin’ the life of an outlaw. What can I say.

Yeah man, Wednesday morning I was sitting here and heard a knock at the door and CharlieGodammit going nuts. Lisa hollered that it was her son so I opened the door and my oh my was I surprised to see 2 Ceres cops standing on my porch wanting to know if I was Ken Lane.
“I am!” I replied, stepping out on the porch and shutting the door behind me wondering what the fuck I did now.
“We’re investigating you for, um…..” As soon as I heard that about 6 different things popped into my head, but then he said “um, fraud.”
“Fraud?” I said and started laughing. “Really? Fraud? Right on.”
The lieutenant looked at me kinda funny so I explained “I ain’t never been busted for fraud before.”

To make a very long story short, in 2011 I had my laptop ripped off and then somebody filed for my tax return in 2012. We still haven’t got it and now this year’s return is being held up also. Miss Lisa has been fighting with the State Tax Board for over a year to get our fucking money which is to the tune of about $2200, money that we desperately need. I finally got tired of it and called my congressman over it – after all, he is a public servant, right? – and had one of his aides get involved. I went to his office Tuesday to sign a release form and to drop off a bank statement and the aide realized that I am NOT the Ken Lane that sits on the Ceres City Council. I never represented myself as him but apparently the aide didn’t realize that there is a possibility of 2 people in a town of 45,000 having the same name, so she called the cops on me and said that I was impersonating a politician. I mean, who the fuck would impersonate a politician for Christ’s sake?
Anyways, me and the cops talked for about 15 minutes and they went about their business. The Lieutenant was kind enough to contact the tax board and let them know I really was who I claimed to be, called me to let me know that he called them, then he called the congressman’s aide to tell her the same thing, and then she called me with an apology, saying that it was an honest mistake, she hopes this doesn’t reflect badly on her boss and on and on, basically hoping I don’t file a complaint and get her ass fired.
Miss Lisa was pissed. We thought the guy at the tax board called the cops so she called him and chewed his ass, then she called the aide and chewed her ass, then she started in on me because I wasn’t pissed. Hell, I wasn’t locked up, my dogs didn’t get shot nor were my guns taken away – I didn’t see no sense in getting excited.
It took her all damned day to calm the fuck down.

Now I’m going to say something that’s going to shock the fuck out of y’all.
I have nothing against Ceres PD. I have never had any problems with Ceres PD. In every instance I’ve dealt with them (twice) I was treated with the utmost respect and Wednesday’s visit was no different. The LT and the Watch Commander were polite and respectful and very professional. As a matter of fact, Ceres PD is one of the main reasons I moved here from Modesto. Modesto’s cops are a bunch of fucking badge heavy cowboys, love their camo uniforms and treat everybody like they’re beneath them. Not so in Ceres. The Chief of Police here, Art de Werk, came from Wyoming and not only is he the CoP, he’s also the Fire Chief and City Manager. On top of that he’s Constitutional and a hell of a nice guy, the kind of guy that will come up to you in the grocery store and say hi. And he keeps a tight rein on his officers. I really do wish that every other PD in the country was like ours.
Enough ass sucking.

So today I’m at work and I start to tell Brotherman Jerome about this and start out with “Man, I got a vist from the cops Wednesday” and he interrupts with “Main, whatchoo done did now?”
Now, I’m fluent in ebonics so let me translate: “My goodness Kenneth, have you done something illegal?”
But I’m always fucking with the way he talks like some ghetto rat so I popped off with “What do you mean, what did I done did now? Done did? Come on man.”
He looks at me and says “A’ight main, whatchoo allegedly done did?”
I couldn’t finish the conversation I was laughing so hard. I just drove away, shaking my head.

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15 Responses to Livin’ the life of an outlaw. What can I say.

  1. livin to ride says:

    good one
    glad to hear charlie is all right

  2. MW@PNG says:

    That place sounds like a different country to where all the other posts one the subject come from.

    • Wirecutter says:

      Actually, it is. Like I said, the city just to our north, Modesto, is full of punk-ass cops trying to show what badasses they are. And I did some serious research on all of the area’s PDs before I moved a couple years ago. Ceres won, hands down.

  3. Joe says:

    Cops aint all bad, except when they are.

    I live in Colorado, where at this time it is against the law to purchase a magazine over 15 rounds. At the gun shop yesterday, I was checking out and noticed a pile of 20 and 30 round AR mags for sale next to the register. Down at the end of the counter are TWO sheriff deputies talking it up with other folks in the store. Nobody notices, or cares. Point is, it really matters where you live, the people around you and the life everybody chooses. Just cause it oinks and wears a badge dosent mean all Cops are the police state.

  4. Wirecutter, you had me rollin on the last few paragraphs. That right there is some funny stuff!

  5. Wraith says:

    If everyone had the attitude that you and Jerome have, this whole “racism” bullshit would be dead and buried forever.

    • Wirecutter says:

      Yeah, I love Brotherman and his family. His wife especially, she’s more like Jerome than Jerome is.
      When we moved from Modesto to Ceres, Brotherman was the only guy from work to show up and help, brought 3 of his sons with him, too.

      • gridrover . says:

        Good people come in all colors, sizes, and shapes!

        But then you already knew that…….

  6. dogpigcat says:

    That’s it right there. A lot of cops are reasonable folks doing a job. They believe like most of us do. In liberty and freedom. A lot are the punk ass variety Rambo wannabes but I think it comes down to their leadership. It’s the same elsewhere. Leadership is fucking key. That’s why the country is fucked right now. We are suffering from a lack of leadership at the upper echelons. Fed and most states.

    • boarshide says:

      Dogpigcat you hit the nail on the head regarding leadership. Add Intellligence, training, experience and common sense. I wish all cops had this and were Peace officers not law enforcement officers, remembered their oaths, and practiced” Spirit of the Law vs Letter of the Law.” It sickens me, the many incidents occurring around the country involving some cops and their thugish behavior. Those kind of cops deserve to be called pigs and Jbts and deserve what ever happens to them. In my experience, I’ve known asshole, mediocre and good cops. Good supervision is key, as is discipline when they step out of line. Disclaimer: I recently finished my 30 with a large So.Cal Dept. as a supervisor (Sgt.) for half of those years. Alot of the problems inherent in law enforcement start at the top and trickle down to the troops, weak hiring practices, weak leadership, weak supervision, weak troops. I continue to mentor in retirement, always directing attention to the Constitution and B o R and spirit vs letter, as I always did in briefings. Wirecutter, I can’t believe you didn’t peek out a window first! You were right to step out on the porch though, keep the law dogs outside, ya never know when they might want to do a “protective search.” ;)

  7. WhoskeyTangoFoxtrot says:

    ^THIS is why I read your blog. Don’t get me wrong, I love your regular posts, but this shit was golden. The stuff little Wirecutter’s grand kids will be lucky to hear about some day. I was laughing my ass off.

  8. Trialdog says:

    One of your best posts Wirecutter. Thanks

  9. KC says:

    “I mean, who the fuck would impersonate a politician for Christ’s sake?”
    That my friend, is fucking funny!!!

  10. Scott says:

    Funny shit Ken! I’ve got to admit, Ceres P.D. aint too bad, out of all the times I’ve been pulled over, Ceres cops are the only ones to let me off with a warning….and Romey is good people!

Play nice.