Yeah man, Wednesday morning I was sitting here and heard a knock at the door and CharlieGodammit going nuts. Lisa hollered that it was her son so I opened the door and my oh my was I surprised to see 2 Ceres cops standing on my porch wanting to know if I was Ken Lane.
“I am!” I replied, stepping out on the porch and shutting the door behind me wondering what the fuck I did now.
“We’re investigating you for, um…..” As soon as I heard that about 6 different things popped into my head, but then he said “um, fraud.”
“Fraud?” I said and started laughing. “Really? Fraud? Right on.”
The lieutenant looked at me kinda funny so I explained “I ain’t never been busted for fraud before.”
To make a very long story short, in 2011 I had my laptop ripped off and then somebody filed for my tax return in 2012. We still haven’t got it and now this year’s return is being held up also. Miss Lisa has been fighting with the State Tax Board for over a year to get our fucking money which is to the tune of about $2200, money that we desperately need. I finally got tired of it and called my congressman over it – after all, he is a public servant, right? – and had one of his aides get involved. I went to his office Tuesday to sign a release form and to drop off a bank statement and the aide realized that I am NOT the Ken Lane that sits on the Ceres City Council. I never represented myself as him but apparently the aide didn’t realize that there is a possibility of 2 people in a town of 45,000 having the same name, so she called the cops on me and said that I was impersonating a politician. I mean, who the fuck would impersonate a politician for Christ’s sake?
Anyways, me and the cops talked for about 15 minutes and they went about their business. The Lieutenant was kind enough to contact the tax board and let them know I really was who I claimed to be, called me to let me know that he called them, then he called the congressman’s aide to tell her the same thing, and then she called me with an apology, saying that it was an honest mistake, she hopes this doesn’t reflect badly on her boss and on and on, basically hoping I don’t file a complaint and get her ass fired.
Miss Lisa was pissed. We thought the guy at the tax board called the cops so she called him and chewed his ass, then she called the aide and chewed her ass, then she started in on me because I wasn’t pissed. Hell, I wasn’t locked up, my dogs didn’t get shot nor were my guns taken away – I didn’t see no sense in getting excited.
It took her all damned day to calm the fuck down.
Now I’m going to say something that’s going to shock the fuck out of y’all.
I have nothing against Ceres PD. I have never had any problems with Ceres PD. In every instance I’ve dealt with them (twice) I was treated with the utmost respect and Wednesday’s visit was no different. The LT and the Watch Commander were polite and respectful and very professional. As a matter of fact, Ceres PD is one of the main reasons I moved here from Modesto. Modesto’s cops are a bunch of fucking badge heavy cowboys, love their camo uniforms and treat everybody like they’re beneath them. Not so in Ceres. The Chief of Police here, Art de Werk, came from Wyoming and not only is he the CoP, he’s also the Fire Chief and City Manager. On top of that he’s Constitutional and a hell of a nice guy, the kind of guy that will come up to you in the grocery store and say hi. And he keeps a tight rein on his officers. I really do wish that every other PD in the country was like ours.
Enough ass sucking.
So today I’m at work and I start to tell Brotherman Jerome about this and start out with “Man, I got a vist from the cops Wednesday” and he interrupts with “Main, whatchoo done did now?”
Now, I’m fluent in ebonics so let me translate: “My goodness Kenneth, have you done something illegal?”
But I’m always fucking with the way he talks like some ghetto rat so I popped off with “What do you mean, what did I done did now? Done did? Come on man.”
He looks at me and says “A’ight main, whatchoo allegedly done did?”
I couldn’t finish the conversation I was laughing so hard. I just drove away, shaking my head.