Fuckin’ with Fernando

Me and Dave had a boss out at the ammo plant that we both absolutely hated. Fernando was an arrogant little prick. I had learned to tolerate him but David? he did everything he could think of to fuck with him.

One day me and Dave were in San Francisco fucking off in the Haight-Ashbury District, driving down Haight Street and David hollers “STOP!!!” so I did, right in the middle of the road. “I’ll circle the block and pick you up” I yelled at him as I watched him dodge traffic and head into a gay bookstore. A what? Really? What the fuck is he doing in there?
As I come around the block, he’s waiting at the curb with a a paper bag in his hand. “Find what you were looking for, man?”
He was giggling like a little schoolgirl as he pulled out a couple of bumper stickers reading ‘Gay Pride’ and ‘I *heart* Fisting’. “How do you think these will look on the back of Fernando’s car?”
He did it. Fernando drove around Oakdale California, the self-proclaimed Cowboy Capital of the World, for a solid week before somebody pointed them out to him.

David, over the period of 5 or 6 years back when you could do it with a simple phone call, had Fernando’s water, power and gas shut off at least twice. I can’t begin to tell you how many times he had his mail forwarded to Moosefuck Alaska.

Fernando went on a mission to get me and Dave fired for drugs, even going so far as to push for random drug testing. This was back in the mid-eighties when all that shit was still controversial and one morning when I was rifling through his desk drawers before he came to work, I found a bunch of information on drug testing and how to administer it fairly and one of the things I noticed was that they had to randomly test everybody from the plant manager on down.
I turned that information over to David who immediately started rinsing his crank bags and coke bindles in the office coffee pot. And then the stupid motherfucker wondered why Fernando got super aggressive all of a sudden.

Fernando was feuding with Graveyard Maintenance over one thing or another and he had pissed me off recently so I decided to join Dave and the maintenance crew in their battle against assholery everywhere.
Fernando was seriously OCD. His desk was perfect, his pencils were arranged, his fucking inbox and outbox had the paper stacked in there neatly. It was disgusting.
One night I mixed some melted Hershey’s chocolate, some oil and a little creamed corn and threw it all in a baggie. The next morning I went to the cafeteria and tossed it into the microwave for just a few seconds. Didn’t want it to get too runny, ya know. Then I went to the office, cut a corner out of the baggie and squeezed a nice curlicue of ‘shit’ right in the middle of his desk. Popped on a wad of toilet paper and my work was done.
About 10 minutes later Fernando walked in, looked at his desk and went fucking ballistic. I mean, he was so pissed he was throwing shit and bouncing off walls. “THOSE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING MAINTENANCE ASSHOLES, I’LL HAVE EVERY ONE OF THEM FIRED!!!”
I innocently wandered in and said “Ya know, I really don’t think it was maintenance that done this.”
“WHY THE FUCK NOT???”
“Because the graveyard shift left 2 hours ago” then I stuck my finger into the pile on his desk and licked it “and this shit is still warm.”
He blew his breakfast all over the floor, his desk and me. It was well worth it though.

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16 Responses to Fuckin’ with Fernando

  1. gamegetterII says:

    This…

    “Then I went to the office, cut a corner out of the baggie and squeezed a nice curlicue of ‘shit’ right in the middle of his desk. Popped on a wad of toilet paper and my work was done.”

    and this…

    “then I stuck my finger into the pile on his desk and licked it “and this shit is still warm.””

    Is pure genius.

  2. Wraith says:

    Dude, that was a shitty thing to do.

  3. Jason says:

    You need to write a book on all the ahit you have done, leaving out anything that doesn’t have a statue of limitations, of course

    • Wirecutter says:

      Angel’s been nagging me for years to do just that, matter of fact I already have a bunch of shit written up, but as you noted, it’s that nasty Statute of Limitations that’s holding me up.

  4. drjim says:

    I really got get up your way and meet you.

    Oh, the stories we could swap……….

  5. skybill says:

    Hi Kenny,
    ROTFFLMFAOASMBOITP!!!!!!!!…….Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off and spit my beer out in the process!!!!! That’s a good one!! I really needed a good laugh!!!
    BSBD,
    Got Gunz??,
    III%,
    skybill-out

  6. madminute says:

    Its just great when ya can git revenge on those that require it most!

  7. dave shong says:

    That was absolutely hilarious!

  8. Bobo the Hobo says:

    I think I hurt myself by laughing so hard … thanks a pantload!

  9. S.G.S.W. says:

    You, sir, are a madde genius.

    Here’s an old story about revenge at a certain Texas company…

    “The Attack Of The Mad Shitter”

    http://www.panix.com/~msaroff/shitter.shtml

  10. buckeyecopperhead says:

    This is vile. I love it.

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