Oh dear God…


News 8 Louisiana –  Police are calling this a crime of the unthinkable, something that most people would never imagine doing. On Monday, police were called to a Louisiana Walmart under the suspicion that a customer was shoplifting food. According to the complaint, a Walmart worker radioed security about a suspicious woman in the meat aisle. Security cameras filmed 33-year-old Shaniqua Johnson shoving sausages under her shirt. CCTV footage then shows the woman walking to the bathroom, where she remained for at least 30 minutes.

The male security guard says he knocked on the bathroom door several times but the woman did not respond. He then announced he was entering. What he found behind the door of the unlocked stall is something he said will “haunt his dreams forever.” The security guard reports when he entered the stall, Johnson was inappropriately pleasing herself with a Jimmy Dean package of sausage. He said that when he entered “She didn’t even stop. She just stared at me and kept going.”

Shocked, and also frightened for his safety due to the fact that Johnson is a “big girl,” the 140 pound security guard said he ran out until police arrived. When they did, female officers entered the restroom with Johnson still “putting in work with the sausage.” All in all, it took 7 police officers to restrain Johnson and pry the victimized sausage out of the woman’s hands. She was arrested and taken into custody where she was charged with shoplifting, indecent exposure, and resisting arrest. Walmart management said in no way do they tolerate this type of behavior. They have a strict policy against shoplifters and a sign on the bathroom door that clearly reads, “No merchandise allowed beyond this point.”

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18 Responses to Oh dear God…

  1. Ed says:

    The sausage is the real victim in this terrifying story!

  2. Leigh says:

    Maybe she was just trying to keep from being victimized by mooslems.
    The whole “tainted by pork” thing, and all…..
    And that picture adds a whole other level of horror to the mental picture.

    Whitehall, NY

  3. dmc says:

    Typical low information voter. Obviously didn’t see pork is bad for you!!!

  4. kennymac says:

    Oh Lord Almighty! Not even with someone else’s sausage.

  5. CarpenterBill says:

    Looks like a gorilla.

  6. Bobo the Hobo says:

    Apparently, you CAN make this shit up, Ken; it’s a fake news site.

    • Exile1981 says:

      If it was real we would have to start a go fund me for the guards therapy.

    • pdwalker says:

      Yes, but it could have been true. That’s the problem these days, realism is out parodying parody.

  7. Irish says:

    Boy oh boy, that Michelle Obama sure gets around huh?

  8. juju2434 says:

    I wanna know if they put the sausage back in the meat case!!!!!!!!

  9. Aaron says:

    Why are you surprised you can’t expect monkeys to behave like people whether in the city or in the wild

  10. Randy says:

    Next weeks sale flyer for that WalMart: “Jimmy Dean Sausage- 50% off!”.

  11. ChuckN says:

    I’m guessing that the security guard didn’t call the police for
    10-20 minutes, or whenever he got the vomiting and dry heaves
    under control.

  12. NewVegasBadger says:

    That is one of THE fugliest things I have ever seen. Is it even human? I don’t think a 55 gallon drum of eye bleach will do the job.

  13. CC says:

    Reminds me of….

    As she abused a sausage pattie
    And said why don’t you treat me mean?
    (Hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, oooooh!)
    At Saint Alfonzo’s Pancake Breakfast
    (Hah! Good God! Get off the bus!)
    Where I stole the mar-juh-reen. ..

  14. Califdom says:

    source was WOODY ?
    That was the best part of the story!

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