Dog Days

I had some things to take care so I gave the dogs a rawhide bone apiece – a little one for Legal Lucy and a big one for CharlieGodammit. Lisa refers to them as babysitters because they keep the dogs busy for an hour or so and out from under foot.
I used to give them a babysitter every day but that shit got expensive so now I’ve cut them down to maybe one or two a week, just often enough to keep me from practicing my running shots on them.

They start out on different sides of the room, but CharlieGodammit will slowly inch his way over towards Legal Lucy when he thinks neither me nor her are watching. If I’m not in the room, he’ll just walk over and snatch her shit, then take lay on top of it while he gnaws on his while she yips and barks at him. The dog’s a fucking asshole, man.
But if I’m there, he’ll inch his way over until he’s within grabbing distance, then he’ll lunge over and steal it whether I’m there or not. He just can’t resist the temptation. And how easily he gives it up depends on how hard he figured he had to work for it. Most times he’ll drop it on command and give me a dirty look, but there’s been more than a couple times where he was ready to fight for it.

Legal Lucy ain’t much better. The reason Charlie gets a great big one instead of a couple of little ones is because the big ones are too heavy for Lucy to carry off. That little bitch will distract Charlie in a heartbeat and try to steal his bone. I have seen her suddenly snap her head up which gets mine and CGD’s attention, and then run yapping towards the front door. I check the security cameras, nobody’s there but Charlie levitates off the ground and makes a mad dash for the door snapping and snarling just because. Lucy in the mean time has ricocheted off the front door and the entry way wall at full speed and is hauling ass back into the living room, passing Charlie in the other direction, her little legs going 90 miles an hour and as she runs past her bone she flips it into a corner so Charlie can’t find it and then attempts to drag his off. I don’t know where she thinks she’s going to drag it off to that Charlie ain’t gonna find it, but by God she’s giving it her best shot.
Charlie by this time has figured out that he’s been played (again) and he’s on his way back at a canter, his head high and ears up as far as they’ll go. As soon as he enters the room his head drops and he charges, knocking Lucy away and recovering his rightful property. Lucy will just get up and shake herself like it’s no big deal and then she’ll spend the next 5 minutes looking for her bone. I think I’ve mentioned the dog ain’t real smart.

Anyways, last night they got a babysitter. I had left the room for a moment and when I came back Charlie was at the back door with his bone unattended wanting to go out. I figured it was a good time to let them both out without them fighting over those damned bones so I called Lucy to go out too. She jumped up and headed to the door and when Charlie saw she was going outside and his bone was safe from thieving females he went out the door. Lucy was dead off on his heels but as soon as she got to the door she blew a u-turn and ran back inside right over to Charlie’s bone and commenced to dragging it God knows where. Charlie, being a lot smarter than most folks I know, realized what was going down and charged back into the house, knocking the security door out of my hands before going over and through me at the same time. I’ve learned that with him, if he’s wanting to be on the other side of you, it’s best just to let him go. It will only hurt for a little bit. You’re not going to change his mind, he’s going to get there one way or another, so it makes sense to offer a path of no resistance.
He’s got his bone back but he’s still gotta piss so both dogs grab their bones and go outside. Now I don’t want them to take those dog spit slimy rawhide bones outside because they’ll roll them in the dirt and then want to bring those nasty things back into the house. No fucking way. So I run after them in my bare feet and run Charlie down and hold my hand out and holler “DROP IT! NOW!!!” He gives a dirty look and drops that dog spit slimy bone right into my hand and then follows it up with a long rope of drool. I told you the dog’s an asshole.
Lucy’s too fucking stupid to learn how to drop anything on command. Matter of fact she doesn’t do much of anything on command, so the trick with her is to just run her to ground and snatch it out of her jaws. Luckily she’ll only run for about 5 feet before she caves and lays down and flips over, so I got hers, then gave her a belly rubbin’ as long as it was exposed and told her she was a good girl to show there were no hard feelings. Then I went back into the house, flipped their bones into their respective spots and went and washed my hands. When I got back I looked out the window and I’ll be damned if they weren’t in the exact same spots staring intently at the door. They were not about to move until they had their bones. When I finally got back up about an hour later they had moved around so I assumed they pissed and let them back in.
And to think I never became a father because I didn’t think I could be patient with kids.

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4 Responses to Dog Days

  1. Doubletrouble says:

    You’d probably make a great Dad, except your kids would always be in trouble for telling their kindergarten teacher to ‘fuck off’ ;^}

  2. Mark says:

    You’re not being patient, you surrendering to the inevitable. :)

  3. Colesdad says:

    My boy does what he wants to do…I tell him no! he just turns and grins. I spank(pop on diaper, he’s 2;)he just goes wooo….for a second and runs to the crazy woman…She rubs his head and he lowers it and goes back to the original plan grinning at me. I love the hardheaded little shit. Dogs eventually bend themselves to the masters will(if the master does it right)my boy…whole new ball game so far.

  4. Bootmaker says:

    my wifes dog Brutus has to have a “chewy” handy or he chews up the slippers,shoes or whatever else he can get in his mouth.
    hes just over 2 yrs now and still has to have sumthin to chew on.
    we finally found a site that sells em two foot long knotted at both ends about as thick as my wrist.
    one will last him 3 weeks to maybe a full month. we get them by the four-pack for about $30 plus shipping.

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