Assimilate goddamnit, assimilate!!!

The company I work for employs a janitorial service to clean the lunchroom, locker room, restrooms and offices and they employ folks that I can only assume are illegals – silver teeth, no habla englis, old Mexico style of dress and haircuts, etc.

A couple weeks ago I was in Stall #5 (my favorite) grunting and farting when I heard the female janitor saying something at the doorway and I figured she was talking to one of our employees so I didn’t pay her any mind.
I finished my chapter and was stepping out of ol’ #5, still in the process of buttoning and zipping up and came face to face with her. It embarrassed me, it embarrassed her and she started letting me know about it – loudly, vehemently and in metsican, so loudly that Johnny (the guy that gave me that Blackhawk 45) came in wondering what all the racket was. He could hear it all the way out in the lunchroom. After listening to her, he turns to me and says “She asked twice if there was anybody in there and nobody answered. Then she turned the corner and came face to face with a gringo with his dick in his hand. It embarrassed her, she says you should have told her you were in there. So, was your dick hard or what?”
“Man, I don’t speak y’all’s gutter language. I didn’t know what she was saying or who she was talking to. Hell, I didn’t even know for sure who she was. No, it was going limp again, but still drippy. Tell her I’ll teach her how to say it in ‘murican, she needs to learn the fucking language anyways if she’s gonna insist on living here.”
“Okay bro, my lunch is getting cold. Right hand fast, left hand slow.” He rattles off a few words towards the senora and splits. She turns and looks at me expectantly, silver teeth gleaming. I was really hoping Johnny hadn’t told her I’d pay her for a blowjob.

It’s fucking hard to teach somebody a phrase when neither one speaks the other’s native tongue. I ended up pretending to be her, leaning in the bathroom and hollering the magic phrase in English. She finally got it and we repeated it a dozen times to get the words in the right order and the pronunciation correct.

Today I was sitting in the lunchroom waiting for my lunch to warm up when the squat little senora walked in and went to the bathroom door and hollered her inquiry – in fucking spanish. I just shook my head thinking about the time I wasted and right about then, she done me right and hollered it out in heavily accented English: “Hallo hallo, ees any mans sheeting een der?”

Johnny just shook his head and said “Fucking Kenny Lane…..” and went back to reading his reloading manual.

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14 Responses to Assimilate goddamnit, assimilate!!!

  1. 55six says:


  2. PaulB says:

    That’s right and proper.

    I had to introduce my wife to the Imperial measurement system when we first got together. She is still more comfortable using metric.
    Unintended consequences: she orders everything way too big because of what she believes 10 inches actually is.

  3. pdwalker says:

    Oh hell! You bastard! That brought tears to my eyes and my stomach hurts!

  4. paul B says:

    Got to love them. Taking all that risk and coming to another country to get away from a failing state and then demanding all the comforts of home from the new country.

    I am surprised she did not rat you out to human resources as some kind of perv :-)

  5. singlestack says:

    I’m a plumbing superintendent in commercial construction. Over the years I’ve seen Mexicans and Central Americans take over entire trades until there are no Americans in them any more.
    Very few of them speak English, and many that do don’t want the gringos to know it.
    The job I’m on now only the plumbers, electricians, and most of the brick layers speak English. Occasionally we get a Mexican crew with someone who speaks English, usually not very well..
    This is driving the superintendents crazy trying to coordinate the work. We’re constantly getting covered up because of the inability to communicate.
    I’ve had my fill of it and I’m planning to retire from the industry in April when the project is finished.

    • danielkday says:

      Let me guess… the management is too fucking afraid of any political blowback to put it into the contracts that some percentage over 50% have to be able to communicate in English.

  6. livin to ride says:

    worked in a poultry processing plant for years(cooker,fixing shit,cleaning shit,pick one)..
    a lot of them can speak english they just don’t want anyone knowing so they don’t have to work so hard..
    “Fucking Kenny Lane…..” LOL….
    “that Chicago Blues Band that you turned my old lady on to? IT FUCKING JAMS, BRO!!!!!”
    glad ya liked it man….. yeah i just seen that.. lol

  7. Timbo says:

    A good 30 seconds of chuckling! Thanks.

  8. elric says:

    Gotta write the book!

  9. 26ncreb says:

    You ain’t right man.

  10. Miss Lisa says:

    Honey, put the anaconda away before leaving the stall…’s not yours to share anymore….remember?

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