Good Morning Tom Brackett!!!

For the hillbilly outlaw Tom Brackett – from his favorite Jarhead, Whitney.

Tom’s daughter Whitney shot me an email telling me that her dad was having some severe health issues and that he loved my blog and would I mind mentioning him by name because it would bring a much needed smile to his face?
She said he likes raunchy jokes, hates Obama and Hillary and the VA pisses him off. He sounds like my kinda guy.
Yeah, I can do that.

Today is Tom’s Day. I’m keeping him in mind with every post I do today. We’ll start it with a few jokes.
Oh, and Tom? You’re a lucky man to have a daughter that cares enough about you that she’d write a complete stranger with a special request not knowing if her email would even be answered, much less her request granted. Good on you.

*****

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, “That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Kathy?”
Kathy takes a sniff and replies, “That is nice. What’s it called?”
“Viens a moi,” replies Nancy.
“Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help. “Viens a moi, ladies, means ‘come to me’ in French.”
Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, “That doesn’t smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?”

*

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news” the doctor says.
“What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
“The bad news is that unfortunately you’ve only got 3 months to live”.
The patient is taken aback, “What’s the good news then, Doctor?”
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, “You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?”
The patient nods his head.
The doctor replies, “I’m fucking her.”

*

Al Sharpton was in Sears. He was there to protest the fact that most of the washing machines were white.
So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, “What’s the problem here, Reverend?”
Al pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white.
The manager replied, “Well, Reverend, it’s true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you’ll open the lids, you’ll see that all the agitators are black.”

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22 Responses to Good Morning Tom Brackett!!!

  1. Top man Tom! Greetings from Buckinghamshire, UK!

  2. MSG Grumpy says:

    Mr. Tom Bracket, It is an honor to address a fellow Hillbilly (I was born in Searcy Arkansas myself). My thoughts and prayers are with you Brother having to fight the VA in the midst of health issues is an insult that no veteran should have to face. I have been fighting with the VA since the day I was medically retired. God Bless you sir and your family as well. I can’t think of a dirty joke off hand but how about a disgusting one?

    Two Aggie’s are stumbling through the desert, dying of thirst
    they come upon a pile of fresh camel shit
    they both look at one another and one says:
    I’m so desperate I’ve got to try it…
    So he reaches down and picks up a huge handful and stuffs it in his face.
    After a couple of minutes of chewing and gagging the one asks the other…
    “So did it help with your thirst?
    “No” the other replied
    “well did it help with your hunger?”
    “No” the other replied
    “well did it do anything for you at all?”
    “Well yes, I sure don’t feel like licking my lips anymore”.

    My best wishes for you and I hope you got a chuckle.
    MSG Grumpy

  3. super_oldguy says:

    Hey Tom. WC’s blog is a daily read for me too.
    So…
    What’s the difference between a women kneeling in church and a women kneeling in a bubble bath?
    The women in church has hope in her soul.
    Um…
    What’s the difference between a circus and a women’s track team?
    The circus is a cunning array of stunts.
    Be strong Tom and remember, the Lord hears all our prayers!
    Hey to you and your family Kenny and try not to fish too much.

    • D S Craft says:

      What’s the difference between the worlds smartest pygmy tribe and and a womens track team?
      The pygmys are a cunning bunch of runts.

  4. WiscoDave says:

    Happy Birthday, Tom!
    Next RACcoon I get is in your honor.
    Godspeed with the health issues.

  5. pdwalker says:

    The last one was the best.

    Tom’s not black, is he?

  6. fjord says:

    Happy Tom’s Day, Tom!

  7. Brian Woods says:

    Tom, Hope your day is great.
    Fuck Obama and Hillary

  8. Unclezip says:

    Hope this makes Tom’s doc pee his pants, like it did mine…

    Doc walks into the exam room, where a patient waits. “Well, what seems to be the trouble today?”, he asks. “Well, Doc, I’ve got this problem I want you to see, but before we start, you must promise not to laugh.”. Doc replies “Hey, I’m a professional, I would never laugh at any problem you might have”.
    Guy pulls down his drawers, and in front of him is the tiniest penis the doc has ever seen. He guffaws. He laughs. He falls off his chair with tears in his eyes. The patient is mortified. Finally, the doc winds down, and, wiping his eyes, apologizes. “I am so sorry over that unprofessional display. Please accept my apologies. I don’t know what came over me. Now, please, tell me the problem.”
    “Well, Doc, it’s swollen”.

    ~Zip

  9. ignore amos says:

    Thanks Tom, you made me laugh.

  10. Get well soon Tom!

  11. LFMayor says:

    Q: what’s the most sensitive part of a man while he’s masturbating?
    A: his ears.

    Get to feeling better man

  12. Cookix says:

    Get well soon Tom

    My Last Trip To Costco

    Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s ass and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to shit his drawers he was laughing so hard.

    Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

  13. Glenfilthie says:

    All hail the Mighty Tom!

    – from all the disgruntled hillbillies in Alberta!

  14. Tom Brackett says:

    Hi wirecutter my name is Tom Brackett. I love u man your the best.I have turned on so many people to your site.I wish to thank you for all the laughs you have gave me and what you did for my daughter whitney. and all the people and ther kind comments.when i saw it i laugh and cryed at same time.GOD BLESS YOU ALL

    • Wirecutter says:

      Why, you’re welcome Sir.
      You’ve got a wonderful daughter that cares about her father, you must’ve done something right in raising her.
      -Kenny Lane

  15. Devil Tongue says:

    W.C., I just got off the phone with Tom. YES, you made his day. He finally sounded good. You sir are a very special and good person. Thank you again for making my friend feel better.

  16. Whitney Frasier says:

    You really outdid yourself! I couldn’t be more grateful for your consideration and kindness. I find myself pretty lucky to have such an awesome father and family and you helped me show them how much he means to me! Thank you so much for everything. The world needs more people like you, Kenny!

    • Wirecutter says:

      “Aw Shucks, ma’am” (scuffs toe in dirt) “t’weren’t nothin'”…..
      Seriously. It wasn’t anything more than a few keystrokes and may a moment of sobriety on my part. Okay, you did do good on the sobriety part, I will admit.
      But other than that, leave me the fuck out of the credits, yeah?

  17. Roy says:

    I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather.

    Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Play nice.