Until I moved out here, the only birds that I was even mildly interested in were dove and pheasant because other than that the only fucking birds you saw in Central California were vultures, crows, magpies and starlings. Wild turkeys have made a damned nice comeback but they were too damned much work to shoot so I passed on that. Same thing with ducks and geese, fuck that, I’m not willingly going to hunt anything that I have to be wet and cold in order to be successful. I don’t care much for the taste of waterfowl anyways. What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, birds.
“Until I moved out here, the only birds that I was even mildly interested in…..” I’m still not really interested in birds, not like Lisa, but I have noticed there’s a much bigger variety out here. Cardinals, blackbirds, robins, bluebirds, dove, quail, even the vultures look different and bro, let me tell you, we got us some motherfuckin’ vultures out here. There’s millions of them. I ain’t never seen so many vultures in my entire life, always circling, always waiting for something to die.
In California there will be a dead cow and you’d see 40 or 50 of them circling and waiting their turn at the carcass but out here they do it in little street gangs of maybe 3 or 4 birds. Rarely will you see more than that in the general vicinity. I don’t know why that is and I ain’t really interested in finding out why, it’s just something I noticed. Get back on subject, man.
Anyways, Lisa likes to watch all the different types of birds in the yard so we’ve got several feeders that we pretty much keep filled and let me tell you what I don’t know who the fuck came up with the expression “eats like a bird” when describing a picky eater, but he/she damned sure never had to try and keep wild bird feeders full. I gave up on keeping them filled months ago. Fuck those welfare birds – I’ll give ’em a handout when I want to, but I’ll be damned if I’ll feel obligated to. But birds are not picky eaters – they will eat anything at any time and they never slow down. If they’re not flying or sleeping they’re eating and shitting. If they’re flying, they’re looking for something to eat. Damn, sidetracked again.
Hummingbirds. This post is about hummingbirds.
I’ve seen hummingbirds before but usually it’s like one here one over there a few minutes apart. But here? The little fuckers are everywhere from right about this time of the year until fall. Last year they hung out untill we got a couple of good hard freezes and they all said ‘fuck that, it’s time to make a run for the border’ and headed down to Central America or wherever they go in the winter. Again, I’m not really interested where they go, all I know is they’re gone and I can finally go out on the porch without fear of being attacked.
Wait….. attacked? Yup, attacked. Those cute li’l fuckers are by far the most aggressive, belligerent, stingiest, inconsiderate birds I’ve ever seen. I’m not kidding. They guard their food sources like dobermans. If one’s feeding and another one comes in, the first one stops and runs the other one off. The one that got jammed up will then hang out until the first one’s finished, then it’ll go feed.
The ones here are about 1/4 that size. Little bitty motherfuckers.
We keep a few hummingbird feeders full of plain ol’ sugar water hanging off the porch because Lisa gets a kick out of them coming in so close. Okay, it was cool at first but when you’re sitting outside enjoying a nice breeze, it’s hard to relax when you’ve got 3-4 birds ripping past your head at hypersonic speed at different angles. And their little wings don’t make a whispering noise like you’d figure, they’ve got this ripping noise thing going on, sounds kinda like a minigun working out. And they fly past so fast you get about a half second of that noise and before you can slap the little bastard out of the air it’s already done a wingover and coming in from another direction.
That shit goes on all day long, too. I don’t see how Lisa handles it. If I hung out there as much as she does, there’d be strings of bullet holes tracking across the roof.