Ch-ch-changes

It seems like damned near every relationship I’ve been in, the woman felt like I could be improved on. I never could understand that shit – you got together because you like each other, but after you get together you find out that you’re basically just the rough draft.
Sure, there’s always something about the other person that you don’t care for, but with guys it’s different. Sometimes we just accept the fact that that’s the way that particular woman is and hey! accept her for who she is. Other times we just figure it ain’t worth the fucking time and effort so we just deal with it. If she blows monster farts right before she wakes up, get up before she does. That’s dealing with it.

But trying to change somebody, their entire being – that’s women’s work right there.

I remember the first time it happened to me. I was in the army and in and on-again off-again relationship for a while. On (mostly) when I was in garrison, off when I was in the field. That was my doing – I couldn’t reasonably expect a 25 year old woman to sit in her barracks room all night when I was playing army, so it was easier to just sign off 5 months out of the year than to get pissed off if I found out she’d been seeing someone else while I was gone. No big deal, I was keeping it light.
It turns out she wasn’t. She was letting it get serious. I’m pretty sure she was – why the fuck else would she try and change somebody she was having a casual relationship with?
Her thing was my drinking which really threw me for a loop see as we met at a party where we were both fucked up beyond belief. Our first few dates were at bars and gasthauses – her idea. But something changed somewhere and I ain’t entirely sure why or when. All I knew is all of a sudden I’m finding AA literature in my room, then she’s wanting to have heart to heart talks and shit like that. What was funny was she didn’t mind me drinking beer one bit but she had a hard on for me drinking whiskey.
Hell, I remember one time she had an ‘intervention’ for me long before anybody even heard of those motherfuckers. She invited all my friends, my drinking buddies mind you, to ambush me and tell me how my life was being destroyed by hard alcohol. That was a fucking joke – halfway through his talk Ralph got up and got a bottle out of my locker to slug down a stiff drink to loosen his tongue (or so he claimed) and out of habit, passed me the bottle and that was all she wrote.

It was a Friday and I’d had duty the night before so I had the day off. About 2 o’clock I wandered over towards the EM club in the hopes it was open and lucked out. Okay, it wasn’t open but the door was unlocked, so me and the bartender locked the door and was spending the afternoon laughing and joking and bullshitting, waiting until 4 when he opened and he could sell me alcohol. We drank a few beers and at 4 when he opened the doors I ordered a glass of whiskey. He pours me a shot and I waved it off, pointing to the water glasses and sliding him a twenty. He fills one up.
I hadn’t even taken a sip of it when Washington freezes, his eyes wide open looking for all the world like Buckwheat from The Little Rascals. “Uh-oh, Blood. You in big trouble.”
He wasn’t kidding. She starting bitching from 50 feet away. “I have been looking for you all afternoon and you’ve been here drinking whiskey the whole time? It’s not even 5 o’clock yet and you’re already nag nag nag…”
Give me a fucking break. I’ve had something like 3 beers in 2 hours. American beer, at that. I didn’t even have a buzz, but I did have to take another piss.
“…nag nag nag why do you always drink whiskey? It makes you look like a vulgarian.” She was stomping her little feet, she was so pissed.
“Wash, what’s a vulgarian?” I whispered.
He shrugs. “I don’t know those fancy white people words. Our wimmens calls us dog motherfuckers, shit like that.”
I ignored what was probably an insult and turned to Shelby. “Hold on, now. Did we have plans or something tonight?” It sounded like a reasonable question to me. If we did, my bad, but we could still go. I still hadn’t touched my whiskey.
“NO, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!! YOU’RE MISSING THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT!!!”
I reckon I am. Maybe it’s because I’m sober. I drained about half that water glass and shuddered, recovering just in time to watch her pick up my glass and throw it at me, missing me completely with the glass but drenching me in cheap bourbon because she throws like a girl, and beaning poor old Washington right in the forehead, then she turned around and stomped out.
“Fucking white woman got a temper on ‘er don’t she, Bro?” Washington asked as he’s rubbing his owie and checking for blood.
“Lightweight, yeah. Hey, are you gonna replace that half glass of whiskey for free or what?”

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27 Responses to Ch-ch-changes

  1. Deb says:

    I learned a long time ago that trying to change a vulgarian is a job only Spock can do.

    • Angel says:

      Vulcan, Vulgarian.
      Potayto, potahto.

      • Wirecutter says:

        It’s spelled ‘Volcano’, Angel. Sheesh.

        • LavaGirl says:

          That’s my world. Stay away from this girl and her Volcano.

          My sons all put new girlfriends through an intensive training period, a crash course in our family philosophy and commitment to integrity. It’s interesting to see how most of these girls initially behave: entitled, irresponsible, impolite, unethical (i.e., sneaky as fuck), hypocritical, and LAZY! In short, a very goofy girl.

          On our farm, and with my boys, that kind of behavior either quickly changes or she doesn’t stick around very long.

          I think “goofy” turns into “psycho” without major intervention somewhere along the way. And these days, people (esp men) are usually unwilling to make or are even incapable of such intervention…almost everyone has abrogated the moral high ground.

          Sorry no one intervened on this old gf before she got to you!

          • Wirecutter says:

            Oh, she wasn’t even the worst one, just the first one.
            Thank God I found a winner in my wife – the only thing she got me to change was to unholster my pistol before I sat down so it doesn’t tear the furniture.

  2. Angel says:

    Don’t go changing to try and please me, you never let me down before. Don’t imagine you’re too familiar, and I don’t see you anymore.

    I would not leave you in times of trouble, we never could have got this far. I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times.

    I love you just the way you are.

    Or some other blah blah blah gay shit.

  3. Mark Simko says:

    So, are you going to finish the story and tell us what happened after that?

  4. pigpen51 says:

    I told my wife that I would never change, and she acted like she was happy. She was lying. But now she after 25 years, she seems to have gotten the idea that I will never change. I think she is still pissed, but she will get over it someday.

    • crazyeighter says:

      Well, mine ragged my ass for twenty years to change, then divorced my ass because I “wasn’t the man she married.”

      • Mine did the EXACT thing to me… 26 years together and married 20… She shitcanned me after I told her “this’s what you signed up for, and I ain’t changing any more than I already have…” She wanted a nutless wonder like her dad apparently…

  5. Michael James says:

    A man marries a woman, hoping she won’t change. A woman marries a man, hoping he will. Both parties, end up disapointed. Author unknown.

  6. Steve the Engineer says:

    This is a phenomena of American women. American girls get sold on a fairy tale of life “happily ever after” courtesy of Disney, Mattel, The Cartoon Network etc. Go find an Asian woman. They accept you for who you are, recognizing that the good stuff outweighs any minor faults (as long as the balance goes like that). I know. Been married to 2 Americans, now to an Asian wife. Lovely life.

    • Bacon says:

      Glad you hit the jackpot with your third wife, but I can tell you from extensive experience, nothing you said describes Asian women.

    • John Deaux says:

      I have several friends that married asian women, Thai, Japanese and Phillipinas. They’ve pretty much all told me the same thing , if you marry a foreign woman keep her in her home country, once they get to America and find out how the divorce laws favor women in this country they became American really quick.

  7. procrustes says:

    Shit started right after the first was born.

    I remember feeling absolutely gutted- Saturday morning, worked all week, and she’d start the “you’re taking over” bullshit.

    She left me last year; I finally realized she wanted me to beg to come back.

    Nope. Not happenin.

    My kids are great. Their mother can lay in her own fucked bed.

  8. grego says:

    Great story. I have had some similar dealings with one woman that I made the mistake of marrying.

  9. Skip says:

    Fuck..you’re writing about me…and most of my buds.

  10. rayvet says:

    Five years ago when my ex and I were having problems we were having a discussion (not an argument, we never fought, just didn’t “talk” to each other). In that discussion when she made the comment that I wasn’t “affectionate” enough to her, I reminded her of the 6 years we dated prior to marriage and how I wasn’t affectionate then so why was she surprised. She made the comment “I thought you would change”. I got up and walked away. That was the point I knew we were done. My current wife, God Love Her, has known me for 18 years and knows exactly how “unaffectionate” a person I am and she still keeps me around despite that. But because I learned from the first experience it’s a two way street, I’ll sometimes do something “affectionate” for the new wife and you can tell she greatly appreciates it.

    • Wirecutter says:

      I’m not real affectionate either and it thrills Lisa when I do something to show I care, like buying flowers for no reason, shit like that.

    • Bacon says:

      i’m extremely affectionate, at least in private. Tell you what, it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. Women are still gonna be women.

  11. John Deaux says:

    It’s in a woman’s DNA, they just can’t help themselves. If you stay together, given enough time, 3 to 5 years usually, that gotta change you gene kicks in.
    2 ex wives and more girlfriends than I want to count has taught me,, look at her momma real close because 99% chance that’s who your little sweet thing will be before you realize it.

  12. Dear Wirecutter
    I have found that most women believe they can change a man for the better. They see potential that must be molded. This is a false belief. I have found that most men believe that a woman met will never change. They see a situation, e.g., good looks and fun, that will last forever. This too is a false belief. SgtPete

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