Cooking with El Wirecuttero

Today I’m going to teach you how to make an authentic Mexifornia breakfast burrito, actually about a dozen of them motherfuckers. It’s cheap, nutritious, and tasty too. Not only that, but clean up is fast and easy – you’re not dirtying up much of anything except for a pan, a bowl and a couple forks and knives. Use paper plates for your chopped up ingredients.

The main ingredients are pretty basic but you can add on whatever you want. You like cactus with your eggs? Cheese? Rice? Chorizo? Got some leftover frog leg meat? Throw that shit in there.
Actual cooking time is about a half hour after you get the rhythm down.
So here’s what you’re gonna need for sure:
Tortillas: Flour tortillas, burrito sized, get two 8 packs.
Red potatoes: 4 of the great big fuckers or a dozen of the baby taters.
Eggs: 8 oughta do the trick.
Li’l Smokies: You know them little cocktail wieners? Gotta have Li’l Smokies – get the bigger pack if you have more than 1 dog.
Salsa: I like green hot salsa, Lisa likes mild red.
Bourbon: 6 ounces – a sixpack of beer for the non-drinkers.
Okay, that’s the basic ingredients. I generally throw in some thinly sliced cut up sandwich ham and a half pound of chunked up fried bacon, maybe some sausage, and some caramelized onion. Pro-Tip – Always caramelize onions when cooking, it releases the flavors quicker.

All right, first things first. Wash your fucking hands. Sure, you washed ’em after you wiped your ass but you’ve petted your dog since, right? Wash your hands.
Okay, fry up your bacon while you’re getting other shit ready. Grate your cheese. Pop the potatoes in the microwave until they’re soft, mix the eggs up real good, and cut up all the Li’l Smokies into 4 or 5 chunks except for about a half dozen. Those go to the dogs.
Cut the potatoes up pretty good, mash ’em, whatever. Put them into a pan, then pile in your meats and shit on top of that. Then pour the eggs in and cook that fucking mess until it’s done, stirring often. You know it’s done when it don’t look egg-slimy anymore.

All right, here’s where the fun starts.
Take your pan off the stove and set it next to you on the counter and may God have mercy on your soul if you don’t put a pad down first and burn the counter, then put your tortilla/pizza pan on the burner. Set your heat to medium. While the pan is warming up, rip off a dozen squares of tin foil into a stack in front of you. Put your first tortilla in the pan. Now I realize that some of you back-east Taco Bell eating motherfuckers don’t know how to properly cook a fucking tortilla, so I’m going to run it down for you. Put it in the pan with no oil. Put your palm on top and if you can hear it barely hissing at you, it’s at the right heat. Eyeball that motherfucker and when it just starts to form an air bubble on top, flip it using your fingers and leave it on about the same amount of time. The tortilla should have nice brown splotches on it, but still be soft. If there’s any black to it, don’t despair, charred tortilla actually doesn’t taste half bad. Just turn the heat down a tad.

Okay, now here’s where the rhythm comes in. When the tortilla is done, place it on the foil in front of you and put another tortilla in the pan. Spoon some of that fucking mess onto the bottom third of your tortilla, leaving about a half inch on both sides. Throw your cheese on. Lean over to the stove and flip the tortilla. Spoon on your salsa (about 3 teaspoons) and then roll the burrito, tucking in the the sides as you do, then roll it up real quick in the foil. Then grab the tortilla on the stove and lather rinse repeat 11 more times or until you run out of shit.
You just gotta be quick enough filling and rolling the burritos to keep from burning your tortillas on the stove.

I don’t know how long they keep in the icebox because they don’t last that long around me. I generally scarf on the last two I make, then snack on them the rest of the day and into the next morning. They take about 45 seconds in the microwave and about two hours on the dashboard of your truck to reheat.

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26 Responses to Cooking with El Wirecuttero

  1. H says:

    I’m out of town on a two week trip and can’t wait to get home to gin some of these up.

  2. George says:

    I can see that you have staggered in long after the local gin mill closed and kicked you out. Drive home trying not to fall out the door, stagger in trying to be quite while knocking crap off of every table in sight. Start cooking any and everything in the fridge till you get what you think you can eat. Turns out it’s the best damn thing you ever ate. Next morning you look at the rest, go back to bed for a while and do it all over again the next night. The dog loves you forever. Life use to be so simple and good. I like your style!

  3. Tennessee Budd says:

    I discovered breakfast burritos in the Navy–the instructors at VAST school at NAS Oceana made ’em & sold ’em. (Yes, was a VASTard when I was younger. I was even a Cretan for a day, when we hit Souda Bay.)
    Until I was in my 20s, I’d never even seen a flour tortilla. My Dad was from East Texas, & we bounced back & forth between TX & TN. I learned how to fry a corn tortilla about the same time I learned to ride a bike. I still prefer them for tacos, but I like flour for burritos, enchiladas, & such.
    Hell, for that matter, I never saw a hard taco shell until I was in my teens.

    • Wirecutter says:

      Hard taco shells are an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.

      I won’t eat a taco made with a flour tortilla – that’s just flat out wrong.

    • Jeffery in Alabama says:

      How do you fry your corn tortilla’s Tennessee Budd? I’ve tried several methods and like them all. Of course, I’m always looking for something new! I despise a hard shell too.
      Thanks for sharing Kenny!

      • Wirecutter says:

        I don’t know about Budd, but I fry mine up hot and fast in oil or lard.
        Get that oil hot enough to where it’s just starting to smoke and fry the tortillas maybe 10 seconds per side if that. They’re still soft, but not greasy at all.

        • Jeffery in Alabama says:

          Thanks Ken. That is the way we’ve prepared them for years. Years ago my mother would buy the El Placico brand of frozen corn tortillas. They were the best. We’d lay them out to thaw on paper towels and then fry them just as you described. Their taste and texture was perfect. These days, I have trouble finding shells thick enough to take the heat/oil.

  4. neal says:

    This counts for church service here in New Mexico.

  5. C.R. says:

    Breakfast burrito , Good chow there !! I make some every once in a while .

  6. Elmo says:

    My neighbor used to always make these when we were helping each other work cows.
    Delicioso! Muy, muy delicioso!

    • Wirecutter says:

      That’s the nice thing about California – you can unwrap them, lay them on the foil on your dashboard and they’ll be warm enough to eat in no time.

  7. charles w says:

    Love some breakfast burritos. I worked at University Hospital in Denver. One of the electricians sold them every morning for $1.50. There was a line down the hall. Janitors and surgeons fighting over the last ones.

  8. Dan says:

    Sounds good. You can do a good job of cleaning leftovers out of a fridge making burritos.

  9. DW says:

    Damn that sounds pretty damn good. I’m gonna try it. I’m going to swap out the bourbon and use whiskey and double the amount. Thanks.

  10. Skip says:

    ‘Sposed to wash it down with bourbon, not cook it.

  11. Matthew Wall says:

    Please forgive my ignorance, I’m from Australia, but what is “cactus with your eggs”?

    • Wirecutter says:

      Nopales is the Mexican name for it. It’s the leaves from the Prickly Pear cactus.
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opuntia

      The thorns are scraped off and it’s skinned and cut into thin strips. Sauteed in butter, they’ve got a similar taste to fried green tomatoes and is delicious served with eggs.

      The cactus also has a fruit that tastes kinda like a watermelon but it’s a pain in the ass to eat because they’re covered in these really fine thorns and I don’t care how well you clean them, you always get one stuck in the roof of your mouth.

  12. anonymous says:

    Breakfast tacos are a religion down here along the border, Stripes and their Spanish kitchen Laredo Taco Company does a lot of ‘bidness’ with people. Not homemade like these though – thanks for the lesson and instructions for the newbies.

  13. anonymous says:

    Hey Ken, would it be a problem to add a link to your homemade flour tortilla recipe ? You posted it some time back (maybe two years ?) but it would work well here too.

  14. Sanders says:

    If you can’t eat it in a tortilla, it can’t be eaten.

    Breakfast, lunch or dinner.

    Double wrap them in foil and put them on the engine block in the morning, and it will be nice and hot by lunch.

    My Dad and I used to eat spaghetti burritos for lunch as a treat, when we were out working.

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