Today I’m going to teach you how to make an authentic Mexifornia breakfast burrito, actually about a dozen of them motherfuckers. It’s cheap, nutritious, and tasty too. Not only that, but clean up is fast and easy – you’re not dirtying up much of anything except for a pan, a bowl and a couple forks and knives. Use paper plates for your chopped up ingredients.
The main ingredients are pretty basic but you can add on whatever you want. You like cactus with your eggs? Cheese? Rice? Chorizo? Got some leftover frog leg meat? Throw that shit in there.
Actual cooking time is about a half hour after you get the rhythm down.
So here’s what you’re gonna need for sure:
Tortillas: Flour tortillas, burrito sized, get two 8 packs.
Red potatoes: 4 of the great big fuckers or a dozen of the baby taters.
Eggs: 8 oughta do the trick.
Li’l Smokies: You know them little cocktail wieners? Gotta have Li’l Smokies – get the bigger pack if you have more than 1 dog.
Salsa: I like green hot salsa, Lisa likes mild red.
Bourbon: 6 ounces – a sixpack of beer for the non-drinkers.
Okay, that’s the basic ingredients. I generally throw in some thinly sliced cut up sandwich ham and a half pound of chunked up fried bacon, maybe some sausage, and some caramelized onion. Pro-Tip – Always caramelize onions when cooking, it releases the flavors quicker.
All right, first things first. Wash your fucking hands. Sure, you washed ’em after you wiped your ass but you’ve petted your dog since, right? Wash your hands.
Okay, fry up your bacon while you’re getting other shit ready. Grate your cheese. Pop the potatoes in the microwave until they’re soft, mix the eggs up real good, and cut up all the Li’l Smokies into 4 or 5 chunks except for about a half dozen. Those go to the dogs.
Cut the potatoes up pretty good, mash ’em, whatever. Put them into a pan, then pile in your meats and shit on top of that. Then pour the eggs in and cook that fucking mess until it’s done, stirring often. You know it’s done when it don’t look egg-slimy anymore.
All right, here’s where the fun starts.
Take your pan off the stove and set it next to you on the counter and may God have mercy on your soul if you don’t put a pad down first and burn the counter, then put your tortilla/pizza pan on the burner. Set your heat to medium. While the pan is warming up, rip off a dozen squares of tin foil into a stack in front of you. Put your first tortilla in the pan. Now I realize that some of you back-east Taco Bell eating motherfuckers don’t know how to properly cook a fucking tortilla, so I’m going to run it down for you. Put it in the pan with no oil. Put your palm on top and if you can hear it barely hissing at you, it’s at the right heat. Eyeball that motherfucker and when it just starts to form an air bubble on top, flip it using your fingers and leave it on about the same amount of time. The tortilla should have nice brown splotches on it, but still be soft. If there’s any black to it, don’t despair, charred tortilla actually doesn’t taste half bad. Just turn the heat down a tad.
Okay, now here’s where the rhythm comes in. When the tortilla is done, place it on the foil in front of you and put another tortilla in the pan. Spoon some of that fucking mess onto the bottom third of your tortilla, leaving about a half inch on both sides. Throw your cheese on. Lean over to the stove and flip the tortilla. Spoon on your salsa (about 3 teaspoons) and then roll the burrito, tucking in the the sides as you do, then roll it up real quick in the foil. Then grab the tortilla on the stove and lather rinse repeat 11 more times or until you run out of shit.
You just gotta be quick enough filling and rolling the burritos to keep from burning your tortillas on the stove.
I don’t know how long they keep in the icebox because they don’t last that long around me. I generally scarf on the last two I make, then snack on them the rest of the day and into the next morning. They take about 45 seconds in the microwave and about two hours on the dashboard of your truck to reheat.