BRB – gotta take a quick dump

Look, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a little time to yourself — yes, even if that means sneaking away to the bathroom. You’re busy! If the only way you can carve out a little chunk of solitude is to linger a few extra minutes in there, well, power to you, and maybe consider bringing a magazine.

As long as you’re really just in there to hang out. If it’s taking you a while to actually use the facilities, that’s another story. According to a study recently published in the (kind of ickily named, in context) journal Soft Matter and highlighted by New Scientist, the average mammal — regardless of size — takes just 12 seconds to poop.


Twelve seconds? It takes me longer than that to wipe my ass.

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17 Responses to BRB – gotta take a quick dump

  1. tomrdcinc says:

    Mammals………Ok, but most are walking around or even eating while they poop………..give me the same conditions and I can hit 7 seconds.

  2. Glory be to God! There’s “too much information” and then there’s “ARRGGGGHH! My EYES! My EARS!”

  3. Lofty says:

    Jesus I wish…..

  4. Aelius Rex says:

    The average mammal doesn’t clean itself up afterward. That includes some humans.

  5. Handy N Hansom says:

    !2 SECONDS ???
    I usually can’t get the seat down fast enough, because, you know,……bacon (and other pork fat products)

  6. Sanders says:

    I’m pretty stoked – I drew a royal flush on my handheld “potty” poker game this morning. I’ve had that thing for over 20 years and never got a royal flush on it.

  7. BlueMntCeltic says:

    Being facetious here, but most animals don’t bother to wipe their ass, or if they do, well, I’ve seen dogs dump, drag their ass on the grass, then up and be gone…. inside the 12 second limit…..there are spots in my yard I wish I could grow poison ivy, but then there’s that little old lady down the block with the in at the ASPCA.

    • Westcoastdeplorable says:

      This post reminds me of a book I once read: “Spots on the wall” by Chinese author Hoo flung poo.

  8. Exile1981 says:

    I can’t imagine the amount of fiber needed to help me get to 12 seconds. The only time i’ve been fast was the samonela poisoning incidents.

  9. Mike_C says:

    The average mammal doesn’t have wifi.
    ‘Nuff said.

  10. nwoldude says:

    Have a couple White Castle jalapeno burgers and you all will set new records……in everything discussed.

  11. nonncom says:

    Shit, it takes me several minutes just to work up to the actual act….

  12. Don McCollor says:

    …nothing like going outside to an outhouse at -20F to encourage speed…

  13. Joe says:

    Only after too many Budweisers and a gas station burrito.

  14. The article is a huge pile of crap, did I say that? Why yes, yes I did and since I am 74 years old and have never been constipated in my life, never had hemorrhoids and rise and shine at 07:00 every day and plunk my ass on the porcelain unit and relax until nature and routine take it’s course. Some days I only get through the Gettysburg address and others it’s Areopagitica. I have learned to enjoy my alimentary exodus time, why not, it’s one of life’s necessary functions so get used to it, I have and you should too. The authors of this pile of shit need a daily colonoscopy until they can taste it. Morons!

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