Not my story, but the brother’s of a reader. Posted with permission.
Let me start by saying if you are under 50 years old you’re just fucked, you got no credentials, no cause, no real purpose, no life experience, certainly no direction and to be perfectly honest I don’t have much use for you.
If you were born in the 40s or 50s or even early 60s you got built-in cool. You didn’t have to work for it, it’s just part of the benefit package. We don’t have to make excuses or explain shit, we possess the most rare commodity… common fucking sense. We own the entire global supply. Our parents, the prior generation possessed it all but as they left, and are still leaving, they passed it on to us in their wills.
I have to tell you I am awestruck by how stupid people are. It is a never ending source of entertainment to me, something I really can’t get a grasp on. I used to get upset about things but now I just look and think to myself “they can’t help it they’re just stupid”. Ignorance can be overcome by learning but as Ron White says “you can’t fix stupid”.
You see, growing up in our generation with all the cultural & political changes that were heaped upon us in such a short amount of time we had experiences upon experiences upon experiences with all of the good stuff…of course I’m talking about sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, passion and compassion. We were not distracted by technology.
Included in my personal life resume’ is a fairly significant level of research on the subject of cannabis. I have studied, in depth, it’s economics, cultivation, genetics & physical effects. You could say I hold the equivalent of a Harvard MBA on the subject, even earning an official government certificate, which can still be found on a background check. My former associates and colleagues are and were among some of the most highly regarded alumni of that same class.
Having been retired from my research for 20+ years I decided one day to open up one of my case studies. Now, mind you this is WELL into adulthood, actually not that many years back. Oddly enough, despite all of my experience, I still possessed a degree of naivety. I suppose that is part of greatness, being able to admit that you still have much to learn.
One of my first observations, which came shortly after lighting the old Bunson burner was that not only had I physically changed over the years but the test material was of an exceedingly higher quality. I was not in the least bit prepared for the events that were to unfold in my immediate future. The biological reaction to the control specimen was so overwhelming as to render me physically and mentally incapacitated. My initial response was to assume the fetal position and suck my thumb. Rapid heartbeat, disorientation, paranoia and the munchies seemed to be in total control of my physical tabernacle.
Just when I thought all was lost and I was consigned to the next few hours of misery, my mind was opened and I saw a beam of light gradually descending upon me. In the center of this celestial illumination I saw what appeared to be an ancient scroll, no doubt sent to me by a highly intelligent being with the intent of saving me from myself. Surely the antidote to this maddening concoction was written on that parchment. I opened the ancient text, and read these words…”go to Walmart”…go to Walmart? I hate Walmart, I despise Walmart I won’t go to Walmart for any reason. Walmart is the whore of Babylon spoken of in the Bible. Walmart is Satan’s playground, it is where he goes to snatch souls when he’s too lazy to go out and find them in the real world, it’s like his McDonald’s drive-through on the way home, you know the food quality a shit but you can get a lot of it real quick with very little effort.
I wish that I could say that I have always listened to that little voice in my head that tells me what to do… but I cannot say that. I still can’t figure that out. I don’t know how it works or where it comes from. What I can say for sure is that it is always right. Every time that I have ignored it I have paid a price, every time that I have listen to it I have been rewarded one way or another. Well hell yeah let’s go to Walmart!
Thirty minutes later I completed the grueling four mile drive. I wandered through several neighborhoods, got lost once and forgot where I was going but did finally reached my destination. Ten minutes later I got out of the car.
Do you remember the novelty of the sixties supermarket entrance doors that had a pressure switch in a rubber mat that when you stepped on it the doors would magically open? I do, I remember as a kid my friends and I would just walk up and step on the mat just to watch the doors open… a freaking 60s technological wonder!
I don’t think that I need to paint a picture of the front entrance of Walmart. You have a large storefront glass that has entrance doors on one side and exit doors on the other. Nowadays the doors slide but not long ago there were still swinging doors on some of the smaller Walmarts. To keep all of the fish swimming in the proper direction the two sets of doors are separate by glass panels, God forbid that you should go in or out of the wrong door. Now this is where it starts to get funny, you see, this particular Walmart had rubber mats in front of the doors but oddly enough there were identical rubber mats between the doors in front of that plate glass.
Well by now I’m just a Beamin’. I’m not really sure that my feet are touching the ground, I could just as well been riding a hover board like in “Back to the Future”. So I glide up to the front and proceed to step up on the mat, not even slowing down because I’m anticipating that door swinging in. Well silly me, I walked right into that plate glass… Hard… and it made more noise than I thought it would. But no problemo, I just backed up and stood on that mat staring at that glass waiting for that door to open. Hmmm, must be a defective pressure switch, so I started jumping up-and-down on that damn mat… a bunch. I would probably still be standing there jumping up-and-down today if it hadn’t been for a little old lady. She must’ve been eighty years old and I don’t know what the hell she was doing at Walmart at 1 o’clock in the morning but there she was…standing… in front of the entry door (which had now swung open due to the electronic photo cell that senses a human approaching), just staring at me through those thick, giant glasses, not saying a word, she never said a word, she just stood there looking at me.
There is no recovering from that kind of stupid. The only balm of Gilead for this emotional wound is that I was at Walmart and that little old lady could very well have seen that before.
I guess Satan had either already made his rounds or not yet been there because I was a soft target.
About halfway back to the car I looked back and she was still leaning up against that cart looking at me, and this is strange but I felt like we connected, we had a moment, albeit an awkward one, but it was there.
To this day I do not know what the little voice was trying to show me, but I am sure that it was a valuable lesson I just haven’t learned that yet… I guess, maybe, I just need to do a little more research.